How I Bested "Killer" Kitching

Mr. Magoo

Following the interest in my blogpost about growing up on the Walcot Estate in Swindon (Buckhurst Field was our X-Box), I have given some thought to consider my time at Walcot Secondary School. I enjoyed school immensely, but, being probably the smallest boy in my class throughout my school career, I have my own memories of bullying. However, in the early days, I gave as good as I got, but, when my eyesight started to deteriorate to the level of Mr. Magoo and the bullies' growth spurts made them more imposing than before, I learned very quickly to get the measure of their limited intellect through sarcasm and wit. This tack attests to the wisdom of Jasper Carrott who, in one of his stage routines, commented on bullies by saying:

Jasper Carrott

"They say that the bigger they come, the harder they fall."

"No!"

The bigger they come the harder they hit you!"

So, the last year at Mountford Manor Junior School was one of excitement about going up to the "Big" school and, with my own experience of dealing with bullies, I felt equipped for the step up to the next stage in my schooling. But, during the last summer holiday before donning the gold, silver and black tie of Walcot Secondary School in September, all the boys from Lainesmead and Mountford Manor Junior Schools destined for the 1st Form would be worrying about the two tenets held true by all male pupils of the "Big" school:

1. We would have our heads put down the bog and the flush pulled (never happened)
2. We would be taught by "Killer" Kitching (for 3 years!) 

Now, there were "Old Skool" teachers at Walcot Secondary School who were strict, but they all held the respect of most of the children they taught. Mr. Preddy, the Deputy Head, was always well turned out, looking dapper in his suit and reminding me of Mr. McKay from "Porridge". If he told you to jump, you didn't ask "how high?", because you were already jumping. Mr. Baxendale, who I always thought was Scottish due to his "I'll cane yae laddie!" threat, was actually English from Northumbria or somewhere in close proximity to the English/Scottish border. He never did cane anyone, although he was a mean shot with a piece of chalk and only once in my memory did he throw a board rubber at someone mucking about at the back of the class. Mrs. Harland was my biology teacher and her reputation for being strict did not hold sway with her classroom persona. Miss Burbidge came across as a Miss Havisham-type character, although, having gained the wisdom of age, I now think she was probably a "lady in comfortable shoes". Whatever her alter ego was, at school she was an inspirational person who taught me that there was more to being a student of geography than learning facts by rote. Mr. Hallard or "Wolfman" as we knew him, was the most passionate teacher of the lot. His enthusiasm for classical music was brilliant, but it was as my RE teacher that I enjoyed the odd theological argument, calling into question his Christian faith. Then there was Mr. Kitching...

Ken Kitching

We had all been warned about "Killer" Kitching and queuing up in a single line outside the "Woodwork Shop" next to the Headmaster's Study for the first time, the chatter was about what "Killer" would be like. We soon found out, as, over the excited and nervous chatter of thirty or so eleven year old boys, the booming voice of Mr. Kitching told us to be quiet. He paced down the now silent line of trepidatious pupils and led us into the room. With his thick bull neck, close-cropped hair and chunky frame, for someone my size, this was like something from the abyss. We chose our places on the benches which were in two rows along the classroom. With two to a bench, I selected the right hand side of the bench of the front bench in the left hand row as you look at the benches from the blackboard. In this way, I was the closest boy to the door, which meant I could make good my escape at the end of the lesson and be the first to get out of the "prison" that was the "Woodwork Shop".

Mr. Kitching wore a uniform of his own that never changed in my three years at Walcot Secondary School. His shirt was always striped with a collar too small for his thick neck, a tie that looked like it was that tight it was strangling him and his trousers were too short, rising about 1 to 2  inches above his shoes. The first time he took off his jacket to don his brown woodwork coat, the whole class fell apart as we saw his bright red braces holding up his "short" trousers - none of us had ever seen anyone wearing braces before and this pre-dated the skinhead/Mod revival of the late seventies/early eighties, so none of our peers or older brothers were using them yet instead of belts. On the sound of the laughter, he quickly spun around and demanded to know what was funny; no-one was brave enough to tell him, so the classroom fell into silence as he took the register. Now began the one aspect of his class that became the bane of my life for the next three years. Knowing nothing of his background, we were surprised that this teacher enjoyed singing and, when he called my name, "Rivers", he would regale me with lyrics from the song "Old Man River"...and it never got boring, old or stale!? He would also sing to us about the Japanese city of Nagasaki where "the men chew tabacky and the women wicky wacky woo". That was probably the only pleasant facet the man possessed, at least within the confines of the school day.

The first woodwork lesson was spent with "Killer" laying down the law as to what was expected of us as his pupils. To be honest, the only thing I learned about woodwork was the mantra that was displayed on the classroom wall:

1. Plane the face edge
2. Plane the face side
3. Gauge the width
4. Gauge the thickness

The only other thing I learned from him was how to stay on his good side. His first story was of his first teaching post which was at a borstal. He informed us that, in order to get these rough boys on side, he would select the toughest boy in the glass and effectively beat him to a pulp. After that the rest of the inmates would toe the line. The next thing he told us was that, if we asked them, all his past pupils would tell us he was "firm but fair". From the former story, the implication of this last message was that, by firm, he meant he had no compunction about beating boys and by fair, that he wouldn't be fussed about to which of us he gave that beating. Now the stories from the older boys about "Killer" Kitching began to lose the apocryphal veneer and reality began to dawn on those of us who had heard the tales of the fabled woodwork teacher firsthand. This weekly lesson was going to be no picnic.

Mr. Kitching had no time for teaching, at least not woodwork. Rather than allow us novices to learn by trial and error, he personally would assemble our woodwork projects and not always very successfully. One of the pieces we made was the notorious footstool. Being of such small stature. I found the tools unwieldy, especially the saw. Anyhow, I tried my best with the stool project and the component parts fitted together okay, but that was before he got his hands on it. He put the legs on back to front such that the stool wobbled like a rocking horse. After disparaging remarks from "Killer" and much ridicule in front of the class, I decided to keep my own counsel and bit my tongue, rather than backchat him and find out what his dap on my arse felt like. I took it home and was very disappointed in the outcome, despite the obligatory cooing from my mum and false praise from my dad, who, like me, could see it exactly for what it actually was - firewood held together by wood glue and nails. It became just that in the very cold winter of 1980/81 when it was used as kindling for our coal fire!

I witnessed a lot of psychological bullying by Mr. Kitching on my classmates. He would take every

opportunity to belittle someone rather than encourage them by offering advice on how they could improve their skills. He especially liked to humiliate the poorer schoolboys and took great delight one day in telling us all that we would not amount to anything and would all end up working in a factory. In one of our early lessons, Colin (I won't give his surname) had a problem with fitting his potato dibber together. "Killer" was busy, sweating buckets as he usually did, at the back of the woodwork room using the circular saw, preparing wood for a project he was doing for the headmaster. Colin asked for some help and advice and he was instructed to take the wooden tool to Mr. Kitching. On examining it, the perspiring woodwork master pronounced the work Colin had produced was useless and he promptly threw it down the length of the class. Shocked, the rest of the class froze at our benches to watch what was unfolding. We were told in no uncertain terms to get on with our work and Kitching shouted at Colin to get his potato dibber and bring it back to him. Colin did as he was told, dutifully picking up the two pieces of wood that made up the gardening tool and took it to the still sweating Mr. Kitching. He snatched it from the trembling pupil and attempted, to no avail, to get the dibber part to fit into the handle. Once more declaring that the piece of woodwork was rubbish, Mr. Kitching threw it down the length of the classroom and told Colin to fetch it like a dog. Colin picked it up and took it back to the teacher, but once more, Mr. Kitching hurled it down the classroom again telling Colin to get back to his bench. By this time, Colin was close to tears and was a nervous wreck, and just stood at his bench not knowing what to do. Mr. Kitching strode down the centre aisle of the classroom between the two rows of benches and planted himself in front of Colin, demanding to know what the matter was and for him to stop crying. This tirade only made Colin's tears worse, so Mr. Kitching took him by the shoulders and shook him like a terrier would shake a rat. By now Colin was almost hysterical and he lashed out at the woodwork teacher causing the burly man to drag him to the front of the class and administer a beating with the dap to Colin's behind. Satisfied that justice had been done, "Killer" sent Colin back to his bench and we were instructed to spend the rest of the lesson in silence.

Another savage beating at the hands of "Killer" Kitching was administered to Stephen (surname withheld). I can't remember what caused the incident to kick off, but Stephen was only slightly taller than me and he had done something to incur the wrath of the woodwork teacher; with Mr. Kitching, it was the slightest thing that could cause him to explode in paroxysms of rage - the man clearly had anger management issues! Stephen then committed the deadly sin of backchatting the teacher and Mr. Kitching set about him like Mike Tyson coming out in the first round. The screams from Stephen were unsettling to say the least and once again Mr. Kitching had shown how he was "firm but fair" with boys who were a quarter of his size.

There was always time at the end of the lesson for Mr. Kitching to dictate to us what the state of the world was, whose fault it was (the Labour Party and Communists) and how Margaret Thatcher was going to be the saviour of Britain. Single mothers were one of his favourite targets and he would condemn them at every chance he could. He would also bemoan the demise of the big band music scene and decry what he saw as the scourge of "beat" music. I saw that this right wing bully boy needed to be taken down a peg or two, but how to do it? My chance came towards the end of the third year when the summer holidays were looming and there was nothing more to do on our woodwork projects.

We were made to sit on our benches and listen to Mr. Kitching's latest right wing rant before he got onto the subject of summer holidays. Fortunately for me, he started at the front of the other row of benches and proceeded to grill each pupil on their family's holiday destination. The first classmate responded with his family's holiday plans and Mr. Kitching commented in one of two ways, depending on the reply he received:

1. If the pupil told him that they were going on holiday, he would pass comment on the destination and equate it to the pupil's household income. For example, "We're going to Spain" would be met with a comment along the lines of "Your father must have a good job;what does he do for a living?" Praise would be heaped on the pupil commensurate with how far up the food chain Mr. Kitching thought the pupil's father was...anything with the word "Manager" in the title was extremely good and, if he thought that the father was a "Professional" even better. The inquisition would finish with where the pupil lived - Liden not bad, Eldene okay, Okebourne Park fantastic.
2. If the pupil told him that they were not going on holiday, Mr. Kitching would question the pupil as to why not. He took great delight in embarrassing the child and digging into why their family wouldn't be going on holiday. "What does your father do?" "Is he a layabout?" "You must live on the council estates." "Park North; I'm not surprised you're not going anywhere."

So the questioning went on, with more of the poorer pupils being made to feel inferior if their family couldn't afford to go on holiday. Witnessing these interrogations and seeing the psychological trauma being inflicted on some of my classmates, I knew that I would be the last to be questioned. I also knew that my family wouldn't be going on holiday that year, especially because my parents had not long since separated. With this in mind, I resolved to not let "Killer" humiliate me like he was doing to the others. Remembering one of the corny jokes my Dad once told me, I waited for him to get to me...and slowly, inexorably, his questioning wound its way around the class until I heard him say,

"Rivers, where are you going on holiday?"
"Ourgate, sir," I promptly replied. Mr. Kitching looked puzzled. The class was so quiet, a pin dropping would have been heard in the gym.
"Ourgate? Don't you mean Margate?" Sensing a duel, the rest of the class looked from him to me as if at the Centre Court on Men's Final day.
"No, sir. Ourgate," I replied, looking him straight in the eye.
"Ourgate? Never heard of it." Usually, he would have ended the conversation, but I was fishing for the big one and I had a nibble on my line.
"Definitely Ourgate, sir."
"Ourgate. Where's Ourgate?" I had a bite, so I struck.
"At the bottom of our garden, sir!"

The class burst into laughter and there were one or two cheers. "Killer" looked me in the eye. I looked him the eye, waiting for the inevitable beating. The bell rung.
"Class dismissed!"
We left. I had bested "Killer" Kitching, the biggest bully I had ever taken on...I got a 4 for "Effort" that term!

Back to Trafalgar Day

Nelson's unorthodox head-on attack at the Battle of Trafalgar produced a mêlée that destroyed the Franco-Spanish fleet

Horatio Nelson, 1st Viscount Nelson (1758-1805)

Other than what you will have seen in the media regarding today's date, for 210 years, 21st October has always been an auspicious date in the British calendar, especially for the Royal Navy. With Napoleon Bonaparte's army encamped across the channel at Boulogne, all that was required for a successful invasion of the British Isles in October 1805 was the protection of the invasion ships and barges by the Franco-Spanish Combined Fleet at anchor in Cadiz harbour. Unfortunately, for the "Bogeyman", waiting for the Spanish and French ships in the open sea, and blockading them in the harbour, was the Royal Navy fleet commanded by Lord Horatio Nelson.

Stung into action by the impending demotion the French emperor was going to inflict on him, the commander of the Combined Fleet, Admiral Pierre-Charles Villeneuve ordered the French and Spanish ships to sea on 19th October 1805. On the morning of the 21st October, both fleets were in sight of one another and 27 Royal Navy ships readied to do battle with 33 ships of the Combined Fleet.

HMS Victory

The battle that followed not only saw the destruction of the French and Spanish Navies, but also ensured that the name of Horatio Nelson would go down in British folklore. Already a national hero at the time of the battle, Nelson's death at the moment of triumph on the poop deck of the British flagship, HMS Victory, would ensure that his name would be legend for ever more.


To appreciate the lives of the sailors on board the great ship of the line during the time of the battle and which that has place of honour in Portsmouth harbour today, why not purchase a copy of my book Cromarty Biggs, Powder Monkey in hardback or ebook form? Available from Amazon for Kindle or in hardback from FeedARead.com, the story concerns the adventures of two teenage boys from modern day England time travelling back to 1805 on board HMS Victory and follows their lives as they are pressed into the service of the Georgian Royal Navy.

For Kindle:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cromarty-Powder-Monkey-Stuart-Rivers-ebook/dp/B00AUYYU9S











From FeedARead in hardback:
http://www.feedaread.com/books/Cromarty-Biggs-Powder-Monkey-9781782996163.aspx

Swindon Town's New Manager

I wrote to the Swindon Advertiser detailing who should be the next Swindon Town Manager, but, if they fail to print my email, here it is in full. I think you may be surprised as to who I think would be the ideal replacement for Mark Cooper (who did an excellent job for the club, by the way):


Dear Sir,

The Ides of March 1969 saw me three months short of my fourth birthday, so I never went to Wembley that auspicious day nor do I remember watching the match on the television. However, playing football on Buckhurst Field some years later with boys old enough to have been there and listened to their stories of the glorious League Cup victors, I dreamed of seeing my hometown club play on the hallowed turf at least once in my lifetime. I didn’t make it for the Millwall game, nor last season for the capitulation against Preston North End, but I was there when Swindon Town FC were worthy victors over Sunderland AFC, when Chalky White “won” the penalty that saw the Robins eventually see off Leicester City and the loss to Chesterfield in the Johnstones Paint Trophy Final. My three visits to the National Stadium convinced me that the much maligned Wiltshire town that is the place of my birth and the town I have returned to more than once, and call home, deserves better than League 1 football.

Last season should have seen the team achieve promotion, but all concerned froze when it mattered most. That isn’t to say that I believe Mark Cooper to be a bad manager -  far from it. Working within a limited budget, he cobbled together a team worthy of treading onto the Wembley pitch and the day should have seen glory returned down the M4 to Swindon. Real life doesn’t always go with the script and all the hard work of the previous two years put in by the whole Swindon Town team, backroom staff included, unravelled at the feet of one Jermaine Beckford. An exodus followed and Mark Cooper was faced again with building a team from scratch. The previous two seasons gave a false sense of security and more of the same was expected on Saturday 8^th August 2015 once the first ball was kicked against Bradford City at the County Ground to see in the new Football League season. The 4 – 1 win seemed to indicate that all was well, but, only three months into the season, the club is facing the prospect of a relegation battle, the manager has gone and the injury list is expanding daily.

The ideal replacement is out there in the wider world, waiting to be recruited, but the one person I do not want to see at the helm is Steve Evans. Why? Because he has never come across as being an affable person and would probably only use the club as a stepping stone to get somewhere “higher”.  However, the qualities needed by the next incumbent of the Swindon Town hot seat have been shown by some of his/her predecessors. The person given the managerial role at the County Ground should exhibit the following:

1.       The PASSION of Paolo Di Canio

2.       The SKILLS of Glenn Hoddle

3.       The TACTICAL nous of Osvaldo Ardiles

4.       The TENACITY of Lou Macari

5.       The CHARM of Danny Williams

6.       The STAYING POWER of Sam Allen

I hinted above that the next manager could come from any sphere of the football community so I am going to propose someone who has international  managerial experience at the top level, but is not featured in any of the bookies lists.

How about Hope Powell?

She has played at international level and she has taken the women’s England team to the quarter finals of the Women’s World Cup, and finished her England role with an overall international win record of over 52%. I believe that the time for her to venture into Football League management is right and Swindon Town would be the team to allow her to show the footballing world her credentials. We’ve given the opportunity before to inexperienced players to make their mark in football management, so why not allow an experienced person in the women’s game the chance to show what she can do in the men’s one?

Thank you for taking the time to read this email and I hope you will print it in full.

Yours faithfully,

Stuart Rivers

There you go. As the Yanks would say, "totally out of left field".

Your views...

Buckhurst Field was our X-Box

Growing up on the council estate of Walcot in Swindon was not a bad experience in the '70s and '80s.

Buckhurst Field

There were no distractions from real life by way of electronic gizmos, 24 hour television or the internet. To keep busy, the children of the estate would actually go out and make the most of their free time, which for my family meant making use of the large expanse of grass in front of our house known as Buckhurst Field. With four boys out of a brood of five children, my parents had their hands full and were no doubt grateful for the active imaginations and sporting interests of their offspring which meant that, especially during the summer holidays, our daylight hours were spent on the field.

Not Buckhurst Field

With such a large litter, the house could be crowded, particularly when our mates were round. The Madness song, Our House, described our home completely; listen to the lyrics and that was the Rivers' house back in the day. To keep ourselves amused, we would be on the field playing football, re-enacting the FA Cup Final we had just witnessed on our big box of a television kindly supplied by Telebank. Or, the Ashes, as we took it in turns to be Ian Botham playing in the middle of the field with the cobbled together stumps and other hand-me-down cricket ephemera that everyone supplied as best they could. When there was no cricket equipment to be had, we used to play in front of our house using the lamppost as the stumps. We still used to use a real cricket ball, though and play right into the night-time - the lamppost provided its own floodlight, although it took a strong will to stay at the crease whilst the dark, red ball came hurtling at you from out of the darkness - playing until midnight during the summer holidays was a regular occurrence.

The other inherent danger came from the crease itself. With the bumps and ridges any ploughman would have been proud of, if the ball hit the right divot, it would take off like a rocket in any number of directions and once went straight through the living room window...mum was not chuffed! The reason for the divots was that, when we were younger and had not yet found the pleasure of hitting leather with willow, the area in front of the lamppost was home to the street's marbles arena where many a bejewelled glass ball would be won and lost as the local children population would take each other on, seeing who could get all their marbles into the hole. Thinking back, it must have annoyed the hell out of the neighbours as the ball hit the metal cover on the lamppost and its ringing clang told the street that Geoffrey Boycott was heading back to the pavilion.

One of the abiding memories for any child growing up on Buckhurst Crescent was the regular visit of

Jennings and Edwards Funfairs. My mother's purse never contained enough money to keep her brood fed, so there was never any disposable income to spend on fairground rides. That being said, the day the field was transformed into our own Alton Towers was always an exciting one. Watching the lorries arrive and witnessing the construction of the rides was quite a thrill for the local children and we would often get told to "clear off" by the hard-pressed men trying to put together the giant kits of Meccano whilst trying to keep hold of all their fingers; having gangs of interested kids getting in the way did not help the sense of an industry devoid of any notion of health and safety.

The location of our house, no. 27, lent itself to being the locus for our rich friends (they were going to spend money at the fair, so they must be rich was our thought). Our front garden would take on the semblance of a car park, as children from all over the area dumped their bikes on us as they went off to the fair. With hindsight, a small charge for each bike would have got us to the fair as paying customers rather than interested spectators. However, when they collected their bikes and went home, the fair was still there, in front of our house. In the summer, the bedroom I shared with my three brothers would get pretty stuffy - think of eight feet and four bottoms and I think you can guess the rest. Anyway, with the choice of inhaling "eau de brothers" or having a summer breeze blow through the chamber, the windows were open throughout the summer months. This was okay most of the time, but, when the fair was on the field, the noise was incessant and went on way past bedtime. For reasons best known to the fairground folk themselves, a generator like the one pictured above, would be parked in front of our house and would make a great thumping noise most of the day and night.

The chair o planes ride always seemed to be at the edge of the fair, in line with our house and when it started up, especially if it had the tilt top, would set the generator thumping faster and louder; annoying if you're trying to sleep. More annoying was the call of the pubescent teen put in charge of the ride. Often, in order to drum up business, one would hear over the PA system the call "one more car, two more riders" as the ride had to be balanced before it could be started up. Paying customers would wait an interminable age, dangling from the ride in a chair hung from what looked like the flimsiest of chains, as the last empty positions were slowly filled.

Coupled with the Carny call were the songs played as the customers were sent on a stomach-churning five minutes of "fun". In the age of cassette tapes, the ride had a limited collection of tunes with which to entertain the riders. There were three songs in particular that seemed to be played over and over to those brave enough to trust their lives to two lengths of steel chain as they were exposed to the centrifugal force of the ride. The first song that springs to mind was I Feel Love by Donna Summer. The next in the list was the Yvonne Elliman version of  If I Can't Have You with More Than a Woman by Tavares a close third. To this day, these to me are "two more riders" songs evoking the smell of the diesel generator, hot dogs, burgers and candy floss, and the noise of the funfair.

As a child, we didn't have much, but we did have Buckhurst Field. It may not be an all singing, all dancing piece of electronics that can play videos, connect you to the internet or thrust you into imaginary, computer-generated worlds, but it was all we needed back in the 20th century and it was our X-Box.

All Time Top Ten - Turn it up to Eleven

Highway to Hell

Turn it up to Eleven

When stuck in traffic, the windows are down, because the air conditioning needs regassing or your car is devoid of that particular optional extra, what tune on the radio gets you cranking the volume up to 11 and singing along without a care for who can hear you? Everyone has their idea of what is "The" top ten tunes, so what would be mine? The top five in my list chose themselves, but it was difficult to choose numbers six to ten; it was more a case of what track or artist to leave out than which ones to keep. Anyway, the following list is my definitive Top Ten - Turn it up to Eleven... feel free to agree or disagree!

1. The Who - Won't Get Fooled Again

The intro on this tune sends shivers down my spine. The organ, the guitars, the drums; you know something good is going to assail your ears. The lyrics can only truly be appreciated by those with a few decades under their belts and have lived through boom and bust, incessant conflicts and the ever naive optimism of the next generation who believe that they can change the world and make things better. Roger Daltry, Pete Townsend, John Entwistle and the enigma that was Keith Moon - The Who, one of the best things to emerge from 60's Britain.

2. The Jimi Hendrix Experience - All Along the Watchtower

When people think of Jimi Hendrix, they often forget that his fame started with the formation of his band, The Jimi Hendrix Experience. The trio consisted not only of the left-handed genius guitarist Jimi Hendrix, but had Noel Redding on bass and Mitch Mitchell on drums. Other bands, such as The Police and The Jam, have followed the three piece setup, but, in my opinion, nothing will ever beat The Jimi Hendrix Experience as the archetypal three piece combo.. Written by Bob Dylan, this is the definitive version of All Along the Watchtower, although I would recommend listening to the quirky XTC version and that produced by The Fratellis.

3. Dire Straits - Sultans of Swing

I like most everything produced by the band fronted by another guitar genius, Mark Knopfler, Dire Straits are not everyone's cup of tea, but the guitar playing style of the band's frontman, so different to how others play the instrument, gives the band its distinctive sound. When, in the summer of 1985, Live Aid was the phenomenon that threatened to wake the world up to the greed of the few over the plight of the myriad of the Earth's poor and needy (it failed, but that's another story), Dire Straits was one of the bands I wanted to see and they didn't fail to deliver. I would recommend watching their Live Aid set on Youtube.

4. The Temptations - Papa was a Rollin' Stone

Originally written for and performed by The Undisputed Truth, the version of Papa was a Rollin' Stone most people will know is that by The Temptations.The bass rift introduction is immediately recognisable and lets the listener know that one of the best groups to produce records for the Motown label is about to entertain them for the next 6:54 to 12:02 minutes, depending on whether they are playing the single or album version. I was torn between this song or Ball of Confusion for The Temptations, but this song came out on top.

5. Elvis Presley - Suspicious Minds

No top ten list should be without the one entertainer whom nearly everyone in the civilised world and beyond has heard of. Elvis Presley, along with Muhammed Ali, Marilyn Monroe, Andy Warhol, et al, is one of the iconic celebrities of the 20th century. From including him in this top ten list, the next choice, i.e. which of his songs to include, was extremely difficult to make. From the songs above, you can probably tell that I like songs that have a social message, so In the Ghetto is a favourite, but, going with the definition of "Turn it up to Eleven", Suspicious Minds is my favourite Elvis track to perform in that hot, summer traffic jam and then I am one with the consummate performer.

6. U2 - Sunday Bloody Sunday

Live Aid in the summer of 1985 was a defining moment for many people. For U2, already successful in their own right, it propelled the Irish band into the realms of superstardom. Many bands have a few decent hit songs and then fade into obscurity when life's other pressures take over. Some manage longevity by producing hit after hit by their exploration of new styles and innovations, and U2, has been one of those bands. The intro to the song, the distinctive drum beat, leads the listener into a story of social deprivation and lost hope and, although one of the bands earliest hit singles, it remains one of their signature songs.

7. The Sex Pistols - Anarchy in the UK

One Saturday, at the end of an early shift, I was sat in the office compiling my shift's performance figures. with the radio gently playing BBC Wiltshire in the background. Anarchy in the UK by The Sex Pistols came on and it immediately got cranked up to eleven, prompting some of my staff to wonder at my sanity and the younger ones to ask what the song was. Only the best punk anthem ever was my reply. Enough said.

8. The Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the Devil

Another product of the 60's that has stood the test of time, The Rolling Stones were to The Who what Blur was to Oasis in the 90's. Whilst Gimme Shelter is a favourite of mine, I prefer the version by Grand Funk Railroad. Therefore, and probably following the pattern of songs with a social message, Sympathy for the Devil, has to be in my top ten "Turn it up to Eleven" list. For an excellent alternative version of this song, try that produced by Guns N Roses.

9. Slade - Cum on Feel the Noize

Everyone of every generation from the early 70's to now know Slade. Merry Christmas Everybody was, by Noddy Holder's own admission, never meant to be a song to be taken seriously; more an album filler than anything else. Still, Noddy and the rest of the band's bank accounts are topped up every year by the festive royalty cheques dropping on their doormats each Christmas. Prior to their 1973 Christmas number one, Slade released a single earlier in that year which went straight into the number 1 slot in the charts. Cum on Feel the Noize should have you singing along at eleven whether you know the lyrics or not. The Oasis cover version is good, but it's not quite Slade.

10. Joe South - Hush

Hush has been covered by the great and the good over the years. The Kula Shaker version is the one played on most radio stations these days, although the Deep Purple version is popular. However, the song written for and first performed by Billy Joe Royal, is best sung by the writer himself, Joe South. Listen and you decide.

Well, there's my list of "All Time Top Ten - Turn it up to Eleven" tracks. I've omitted many songs and artists that I would crank up to eleven, but the list is for ten and no more. Meatloaf, Queen, The Beatles, Free, Steppenwolf, ELO, Ian Dury and the Blockheads, etc, there'll be room for them on other lists, but just not this one.

All Time Top Ten - Turn it up to Eleven
The Who Won't Get Fooled Again	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHhrZgojY1Q
The Jimi Hendrix Experience All Along the Watchtower	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLV4_xaYynY
Dire Straits Sultans of Swing	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0ffIJ7ZO4U
The Temptations Papa was a Rollin' Stone	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJV2pWFyfn4
Elvis Presley Suspicious Minds	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBmAPYkPeYU
U2 Sunday Bloody Sunday	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgyVvoODWGA
The Sex Pistols Anarchy in the UK	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBojbjoMttI
The Rolling Stones Sympathy for the Devil	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBecM3CQVD8
Slade Cum on Feel the Noize	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTEGxVDHpGU
Joe South Hush	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3M9se64HoTg

 

Preston North End v Swindon Town - Post Mortem

Having witnessed their team strive valiantly to reach the League 1 Play Off Final on Sunday 24th May 2015, Swindon Town fans had hoped to be celebrating promotion to the Championship come the final whistle that evening. Failing that, a competitive game with the Town making a good fist of it and losing to the odd goal would have allowed the Swindon fans to return home down the M4 with their heads held high, knowing that their team had given its all in the pursuit of promotion. The result, 4 - 0 to PNE, gave a worthy promotion to the northern club whilst the Robins' abysmal record at the "New" Wembley continued (Played 3 Lost 3) and the club, and fans were left to rue what might have been. Some time has now passed and perhaps, now emotions are not so raw, it is time to open up the League 1 Play Off Final cadaver, poke around the entrails and perform a post mortem on the event that saw the West Country club confined to the third tier of English football for one more season.  

The Tactics

The approach Lee Power, Chairman of Swindon Town FC, and Mark Cooper, the Manager, have towards their brand of football is to get the team playing attractive, entertaining and exciting football. The passing game, moving the ball from the back, through midfield towards the strikers up front has held the interest of all those who have witnessed the team playing this season and, for those of us who can remember (where has the time gone?) the teams of Ossie Ardiles and Glenn Hoddle in the early nineties, it has brought back memories of those good times when Swindon Town twice managed to reach the top tier of English football. 

However, the season has been long and what might have been surprising, new and difficult for opponents to contend with in the first few games in which the young team played, with analysis, teams were able to assess the Robins' tactics and adapt their own style of play to nullify Swindon's passing game. Playing with three at the back is a dangerous ploy when the opposition has a fast attack and leaves a team vulnerable to a counterattack, especially if the other team plays with three up front. The goal difference at the end of the season of +19 is decent enough, but the top three teams in League 1 had goal differences of +58 (Bristol City), +57 K Dons) and +39 (Preston North End) - Swindon Town may have scored 79 goals in the league competition, but the team let in 57, a testament to the vulnerability of the attacking football style adopted for the past season.

That being said, the team were full value for the money spent watching them and the view of some

(not mine) that they were relegation-fodder was ill-founded. Top of the league in January 2015, Swindon Town seemed destined for automatic promotion until it became mathematically impossible after the season nose-dived over Easter. However, a play off place was assured and this led Mark Cooper to decide to rest key players over the following weeks. Defeats followed and, to some, the feeling that Town had lost their momentum going into the play offs did not auger well, especially when it became clear that Nigel Clough's Sheffield United would be the opposition in the Play Off Semi Final. The away win was tight at 1 - 2, but the home leg produced a phenomenal 5 - 5 draw after Swindon had been leading 3 - 0 after only 18 minutes. The way Sheffield United was allowed to get back into the game and boss the home side once again highlighted the defensive frailties of the team.

Jermaine Beckford

Meanwhile, Preston North End had seen off Chesterfield with an aggregate score of 4 - 0 having won away 0 - 1 at the Proact Stadium and 3 - 0 at Deepdale. With the euphoria of getting to Wembley blinkering most Swindonians to the attacking prowess of the Final opposition, it shouldn't have passed the Swindon Town management team by that Jermaine Beckford, a loanee from Leicester City, had hit top form for the most important game of the season.

The Play Off Final

The day of the final saw thousands of Swindon Town fans descend on the home of English football, Wembley Stadium, a jewel set in a rancid sea of industrial estates, inadequate road transport links and car parking facilities. Optimism was high, but there was the nagging doubt in many a Moonraker's mind that the "real" Swindon Town would fail to turn up. And so it was to be.
A previous incumbent of the Swindon Town manager's hot seat would have been up 25 hours a day analysing the opposition ensuring that the team he put out would have had the best advantage of defeating them on the big day - Paolo Di Canio may have his faults, but doing his homework is not one of them! However, it would seem that this part of strategising passed Mark Cooper and his team by as Jermaine Beckford was allowed to roam the field and score at will. As for the players, with many of them coming to the end of their loan spell or contract, or having whimsical thoughts of moving on and playing for a "bigger" club, it could be argued that their hearts were not in it; defeat was inevitable before the team had even boarded the coach for London.

2015/16 Season

Mark Cooper

The team that saw so much success in League 1 in 2014/15 is no more. There are some familiar faces, but essentially, the Swindon Town squad of last season has been decimated and a new setup is being formulated as I write. Whether this season's team will be as adept at controlling the ball and finding the net as last year's crop of players remains to be seen. However, from his two seasons in charge of Swindon Town, Mark Cooper must learn to adopt his tactics the better to outwit and outplay the different opposition he is to meet each week. This was the major failure of last season and the biggest learning point for Cooper and the rest of the County Ground team from the debacle witnessed at Wembley on Sunday 24th May 2015.

Charlie Austin England Call Up

The announcement today of the England Squad to play against Slovenia and the Republic of Ireland in the Euro 2016 qualifier, and friendly international, in June has given vindication to my call for Charlie Austin to represent his country. I first called for his inclusion into the senior team in November 2012 when, at that time, he was the highest scoring striker in Europe (Sporting Life & Zlatan Ibrahimovic). Since then, when he was playing for Burnley FC having been first given the chance to ply his trade as a professional footballer by Swindon Town, he has proved his worth in the Premier League playing for Queens Park Rangers. Perhaps the almost three years that has passed since my call for him to receive his first cap has allowed him to mature both physically and mentally and he will be better equipped to seize the chance that he has been given? However, I believe that the debacle that was the England performance in the World Cup 2014 may have been avoided if a natural goalscorer like Austin had been included in the squad.

It is heartening to see that a player nurtured by Swindon Town has now been given the opportunity to achieve the honour of representing his country. Nonetheless, it is a shame that those responsible for choosing who is included in the squad rarely, if ever, look further than the Premier League for those they deem good enough to play for England. As a Swindon Town fan, I believe the club should take pride in being involved in the development of someone who may prove to be the prolific goalscorer the England team has been sorely missing. 

Two other new inclusions to the England squad have been selected from teams towards the bottom end of the Premier League. One is Jamie Vardy (Leicester City) and the other is Tom Heaton (Burnley FC). Their inclusion, along with that of Charlie Austin, is due to the fact that Roy Hodgson's first choices are unavailable as they are due to play in the England U21 team in the Euro U21 2015 Finals in the Czech Republic this summer. I hope that they also seize the opportunity to shine and, therefore, pave the way for other decent players from less fashionable clubs to represent their country.

Tom Heaton

As an end note, Swindon Town could tenuously claim to have helped in Tom Heaton's development as he played on loan for the club in the 2005/2006 season. His parent club was Manchester United and he played in a total of 19 games for the Robins. The other member of the full England squad who has links to Swindon Town is James Milner who played for the club 6 times in the 2003/2004 season, scoring 2 goals in his time at the County Ground. 

Electoral Reform

Universal Suffrage

Universal suffrage as practised in the United Kingdom has been in existence for less than 100 years. The Representation of the People Act 1918 gave all men over the age of 21 (with the exception of those possessing a legal incapacity or other disqualifications) the right to vote in United Kingdom elections. It also enfranchised women aged 30 or over providing they met specific qualifications set down in the Act. Universal suffrage, in the sense that men and women were enfranchised on equal terms, did not come about until the Representation of the People Act 1928, when all men and women aged over 21 who did not possess a legal incapacity or other disqualification were given the vote; the right to vote to all those over the age of 18 did not come about until the Representation of the People Act 1969.

However, prior to 1918, the electorate of the United Kingdom was comprised of the privileged few compared to the adult population as a whole. Only 40% of the adult male population were allowed to vote with the remaining 60% and all women disenfranchised. Even so, events during the early twentieth century would lead the legislators of the United Kingdom to radically widen the franchise.

Ireland and World War I

When the First World War broke out in the summer of 1914, it was for the United Kingdom a timely distraction from domestic problems facing the government. Chief among the issues facing the Liberal Administration was the fallout from the Home Rule Bill 1912 which led to the Government of Ireland Act 1914 (Home Rule Act). This Act gave devolved government to Ireland, but it faced opposition from the Protestant, Unionist population in the north of the Emerald Isle who saw it as the precursor to the breakup of the Union. An armed militia, the Ulster Volunteer Force (UVF) was formed to prevent the implication of the Act and a rival, Nationalist militia, the Irish Volunteers, vowed to help the British should there be trouble.

Placements of Rebel forces and British troops around Dublin during the Easter Rising, 1916 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

With stalemate, the outbreak of the war on the European continent saw the Act suspended until the end of hostilities and civil war in Ireland was averted. Despite the global conflict, the question of Home Rule refused to go away and the Nationalist Easter Rising in 1916 saw an Irish Republic proclaimed in the south. From 24th to the 29th April 1916, members of the Irish Volunteers and the Irish Citizen Army fought the British Army on the streets of Dublin. Doomed to failure, the Rising was a foretaste of the Irish War of Independence which was to last from 1919 to 1921 resulting in the partition of Ireland into the Irish Free State and Ulster.

The vast majority of the volunteer British Army that fought in the First World War had no voting rights in the United Kingdom. The war saw much social upheaval and brought together people from different ends of the social spectrum. Although primarily drawn from the aristocracy, officers endured the hardships of the frontline trenches along with the ordinary rank and file soldiers, many of whom had volunteered en masse with their friends to form distinct "pals" battalions. The soldiers, sailors and airmen fighting for the British Empire expected concessions when the war ended and were promised "a land fit for heroes".

When their menfolk marched off to war, the women of Britain took on the roles their husbands, fathers and sons had vacated. With more women working in industries and areas usually the preserve of the male population, it was inevitable that the women would want a voice. Buoyed by the Suffragette Movement activities prior to the outbreak of World War I, women emerged into the peace believing voting rights would also be granted to them. Such expectations would only increase the pressure on the Coalition Government to concede voting rights to the ordinary working man. Events elsewhere on the continent prior to the end of the war also played a part in forcing the hand of the British Government.

Russia - February 1917 and October 1917 Revolutions

By 1917, the Russian population was tired of the war with Germany. With millions of Russians dead, revolution was in the air as troops mutinied and deserted in their thousands to flock to the Bolshevik cause. In February 1917 (the Russians used the old Julian calendar which was one month behind the Gregorian calendar used by the West), the Duma (the Russian parliament) was forced to cede concessions to the revolutionaries and Tsar Nicholas II, the last of the Romanov dynasty, was forced to abdicate as supreme ruler of the Russian Empire. However, disaffected with the Provisional Government's decision to continue to fight the war with Germany, the Bolsheviks, led by Vladimir Lenin, took over the country in October (November) 1917. With the Provisional Government overthrown, an armistice was agreed between Russia and its protagonists, Germany and the Central Powers, in December 1917. The Treaty of Brest-Litovsk was signed in March 1918 effectively ending the Russian involvement in the First World War. Russia now entered a period of civil war which was to last until 1922 when the Soviet Union was born.

1918

Demobilisation of British Soldiers after WW I

There are two strands to the argument as to why the British Government introduced the Representation of the People Act 1918. An optimist might argue that the British Government expanded the suffrage to the common man as a just reward for their enduring the long and bloody conflict of the Great War. It was only right and proper that the British servicemen should have a say in who should represent them in the Parliament that symbolised the democracy they had been fighting to preserve.

A cynic's view would be that, fearing the sort of Socialist revolution that had occurred in Russia, and with the memory of the Easter Rising still fresh in their minds, The Establishment preferred to give a sop to the returning soldiers, sailors and airmen in the hope that any post-war upheaval could be averted.

Whatever the truth, for many a deal is concluded in secret, behind closed doors, the price for the slaughter suffered by the British people during the Great War, was an enfranchisement of approximately 13.7 million adults in 1918; overnight, the electorate had trebled from the 7.7 million eligible to vote in 1912 to 21.4 million. 

2015 General Election 

From the ideals of "votes for all" comes the desire for fair representation. However, the United Kingdom General Election is decided by the "First Past the Post" method whereby the winner of a seat in the "Mother of all Parliaments" is the person who receives the most votes. On the face of it, this seems a perfectly fair way of achieving the desired end result of electing a Member of Parliament (M.P.) - if X receives more votes than Y, Z, A and B, then he/she has the confidence of the electorate and should be returned to Parliament as the M.P. for their constituency. But, what if the combined number of votes cast for Y, Z, A and B total more than the votes cast for X? In this case, the majority of the electorate did not actually want X as their M.P. and he/she is actually voted into office by a minority of those who took part in the ballot. Is this fair? It could be argued that it is not and that to have a true reflection of the political will of the people, a "Proportional Representation" method of counting votes should be used. 

N.B. There are a number  of  "Proportional Representation" voting models used throughout the world and, as there are a myriad of fine articles on the World Wide Web extolling the virtues of each method (e.g. see Electoral Reform Society - Voting Systems Made Simple), I do not intend to review them all here. 

The Rt. Hon. David Cameron  MP

However, the world turns, things change and people must adapt to those changes. It is widely accepted that the 2015 General Election in the United Kingdom produced shocks and surprises that all the pollsters did not foresee prior to the country going to the polls on Thursday 7th May. A majority Conservative Government was returned and, as far as David Cameron is concerned, it is business as usual. That is fine for the Conservative Party and its supporters, but for many, the result left a sour taste in the mouth which had more to do with the inevitable sour grapes. By the very nature of the British method of electing its M.P.s, the winning party is always going to be elected by a minority of those who chose to vote. The turnout for the 2015 General Election was 66.1% of the total electorate (33.9% of those eligible, for one reason or another, chose not to exercise their democratic right to vote). Of that 66.1%, a total of 36.9% voted for the Conservatives resulting in  that party receiving 331 seats. However, the figure of 36.9% is misleading, because, of the total electorate, only 36.9/100.0 x 66.1 = 24.4% wanted the Conservatives/David Cameron to win; less than a quarter of the total electorate - conversely 63.1% of those who voted and 63.1/100.0 x 66.1 = 41.7% of the total electorate wanted someone other than the Conservatives/David Cameron to win. These figures alone illustrate that, despite the vernacular, in the minds of the electorate, this is not a "majority" government. 

The disproportionate share of seats per party compared to the number of votes polled for each, and the relative cost in votes per each seat won is shown in the table below:

From the above, it is abundantly clear that, for the Conservatives and the Scottish National Party (SNP) in particular, the ratio for number of seats won per vote cast is relatively small (34,244 and 25,972 respectively). For the Green Party and the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP), the same ratio shows how this method of polling could be construed as being a grossly unfair method of electing MPs; to gain 1 seat, the Green Party received 1,157,613 votes and for its solitary seat, UKIP received 3,881,129. If one considers the share of the vote each party received, the SNP polled 4.7% of the vote compared to the Green Party's 3.8% and UKIP's 12.6%, but the SNP won 56 seats compared to the other two parties' 1 apiece.

The Future?

When the British Government drew up the Bill prior to passing the Representation of the People Act 1918, part of the debate centred around the prospect of introducing proportional representation as a means of electing M.P.s. This idea was swiftly dispensed with and it was not until 2011, when the United Kingdom held a referendum to determine whether to introduce an Alternative Vote for general elections, that the idea of proportional representation was mooted again. The country decided to reject the idea with 67.9% of those who voted calling for a "No" as opposed to 32.1% for the "Yes" vote. However, and following the argument above, with only a turnout of 19.1 million people, or 42.2% of those eligible to vote, those voting "No" only amounted to 67.9/100 x 42.2 = 28.7% of the total electorate - not really a resounding "No".

The message from the 2015 General Election and the 2011 AV Referendum (and many of the elections held over the years) is that there is a great deal of voter apathy amongst the electorate. In Australia, voting is compulsory in law. The question of whether a similar statute should be introduced into the United Kingdom, thus compelling the electorate to exercise their right to vote, is fuel for another debate. However, the population of these islands is a culturally rich and diverse mix of peoples. These communities will have differing views, each worthy of a voice in Parliament, but, with a first past the post method of determining the winner of a ballot, many of these voices remain unheard. The Green Party and UKIP may come from different parts of the political spectrum, but they have one thing in common - the 2015 General Election left them both disproportionately muted in relation to the support they received at the ballot box. 

If the views of all the people of the United Kingdom are to be represented at Westminster, then the "First Past the Post" method of conducting an election needs to be replaced by a fairer means of determining who should become an M.P. A more in-depth debate needs to take place regarding the various modes of Proportional Representation and then the best fit for the country chosen. In this way, when someone marks their ballot paper and puts it into the ballot box, they will have the confidence that their voice is going to be heard. Isn't that a fit and proper legacy for the sacrifices made by the men and women of the United Kingdom 100 years ago on the battlefields and Home Front of WWI?